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The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) and the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) have provided a joint statement of guidelines for separated parents during the COVID-19
The Center for Family Law • March 19, 2020
AFCC/AAML
Families are facing daily challenges in managing life in a new reality. With long histories of working to assist children and families who experience separation and divorce, The Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) and the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) have provided a joint statement of guidelines for separated parents during the COVID-19 Pandemic. If you have questions or concerns, please contact a family law attorney for more guidance.
Seven Guidelines for Parents Who Are Divorce/Separated and Sharing Custody of Children During the COVID19 Pandemic
From the leaders of groups that deal with families in crisis:
Susan Myres, President of American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML)
Dr. Matt Sullivan, President of Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC)
Annette Burns, AAML and Former President of AFCC
Yasmine Mehmet, AAML
Kim Bonuomo, AAML
Nancy Kellman, AAML
Dr. Leslie Drozd, AFCC
Dr. Robin Deutsch, AFCC
Jill Peña, Executive Director of AAML
Peter Salem, Executive Director of AFCC
1. BE HEALTHY.
Comply with all CDC and local and state guidelines and model good behavior for your children with intensive hand washing, wiping down surfaces and other objects that are frequently touched, and maintaining social distancing. This also means BE INFORMED. Stay in touch with the most reliable media sources and avoid the rumor mill on social media.
2. BE MINDFUL.
Be honest about the seriousness of the pandemic but maintain a calm attitude and convey to your children your belief that everything will return to normal in time. Avoid making careless comments in front of the children and exposing them to endless media coverage intended for adults. Don’t leave the news on 24/7, for instance. But, at the same time, encourage your children to ask questions and express their concerns and answer them truthfully at a level that is age-appropriate.
3. BE COMPLIANT with court orders and custody agreements.
As much as possible, try to avoid reinventing the wheel despite the unusual circumstances. The custody agreement or court order exists to prevent endless haggling over the details of timesharing. In some jurisdictions there are even standing orders mandating that, if schools are closed, custody agreements should remain in force as though school were still in session.
4. BE CREATIVE.
At the same time, it would be foolish to expect that nothing will change when people are being advised not to fly and vacation attractions such as amusement parks, museums and entertainment venues are closing all over the US and the world. In addition, some parents will have to work extra hours to help deal with the crisis and other parents may be out of work or working reduced hours for a time. Plans will inevitably have to change. Encourage closeness with the parent who is not going to see the child through shared books, movies, games and FaceTime or Skype.
5. BE TRANSPARENT.
Provide honest information to your co-parent about any suspected or confirmed exposure to the virus, and try to agree on what steps each of you will take to protect the child from exposure. Certainly both parents should be informed at once if the child is exhibiting any possible symptoms of the virus.
6. BE GENEROUS.
Try to provide makeup time to the parent who missed out, if at all possible. Family law judges expect reasonable accommodations when they can be made and will take seriously concerns raised in later filings about parents who are inflexible in highly unusual circumstances.
7. BE UNDERSTANDING.
There is no doubt that the pandemic will pose an economic hardship and lead to lost earnings for many, many parents, both those who are paying child support and those who are receiving child support. The parent who is paying should try to provide something, even if it can’t be the full amount. The parent who is receiving payments should try to be accommodating under these challenging and temporary circumstances.
Adversity can become an opportunity for parents to come together and focus on what is best for the child. For many children, the strange days of the pandemic will leave vivid memories. It’s important for every child to know and remember that both parents did everything they could to explain what was happening and to keep their child safe.
The Center for Family Law is excited to announce the start of its fourth year hosting the Second Saturday Divorce Workshops, providing valuable support and guidance to individuals navigating the divorce process.
The holiday season can be a balancing act for all parents, but it can be especially challenging for divorced parents who need to coordinate plans with a former spouse and navigate interactions with new partners. While some stress is to be expected, with careful planning, flexibility, and the right mindset, you can make the holidays smoother for everyone. Here are a few tips to help you manage. Prioritizing the Children. The holidays are a time for children, and their well-being should be the focus of the schedule. Whether it's your first holiday post-divorce or you have had a few years to adjust, there are simple steps you can take to make the season easier for them. Create a Joint Plan. Collaborate with your ex to ensure the children can spend time with both of you without feeling torn. A clear, shared plan helps avoid confusion and conflict. This might involve splitting the day between both households or longer periods of time with each parent to allow for out-of-town travel to visit relatives. It is important that parents are on the same page on what schedule will be followed and that is communicated to the children as a joint plan. Balance Traditions with Flexibility. It is natural to want to keep cherished family traditions, but flexibility is key. Discuss with your co-parent which traditions are most important and find a realistic way to divide them. This ensures that the kids do not feel pressured to choose between one tradition or family, allowing them to enjoy special moments with both sides. Create New Traditions. This is an opportunity to start fresh. Let go of old expectations and focus on what will bring joy to your current family setup. Whether changing when your holiday meal occurs or coming up with new ways to celebrate with those who matter now, these changes can redefine your holiday experience in a way that reflects your family as it is today. Remember, children care more about spending time with you and celebrating together than about the exact day. [The Right] Communication is Key. Keeping communication focused on the kids can help prevent old conflicts from resurfacing. Keep discussions brief and to the point. Set times to address important matters and confirm plans through a message or email to ensure everyone is aligned and to prevent miscommunication. Involving New Partners. Whether it is you or your ex with a new partner, you should be mindful of how this change can stir emotions and make the situation feel uncertain. If planning to include a new partner in holiday activities, having a conversation with your ex beforehand is best. Discuss your plans for the day and make sure your ex is comfortable with the arrangement. If you are nervous about being around your ex’s new partner, remember that you have the right to decide how much or how little to engage with this new person, all while keeping things positive and calm for the children. Children may also need time to adjust to a new partner, particularly if the relationship is still fresh. Monitor how they are coping and give them space to process these changes. Do not force interactions, and if possible, let the relationship evolve naturally. Spending Time with Former In-Laws. Another challenge during the holidays for separated parents is dealing with ex-in-laws. Seeing them may feel awkward, but it is often necessary for the children's sake. If spending time with your ex-in-laws feels too emotionally challenging, be honest with yourself and them. It is okay to politely decline an invitation if it being there would cause too much stress. Regardless of how you feel about your ex-in-laws, remember that ex-in laws are still important figures in your children’s lives, and it is often best for the kids if you maintain a relationship with them. Encourage your children to spend time with their grandparents or other relatives from your ex’s family when possible. Remember even when feeling frustrated, remind yourself that cooperation between parents benefits the children, making these moments more manageable.
(This article was originally posted in November 2024 by Courtney Green on the website of The Bar Association of Metropolitan St. Louis and can be found here .) Every year, a heartwarming and competitive event takes place that not only tests participants’ knowledge but also makes a significant impact in the lives of children affected by the criminal justice system. The annual Motion for Kids Trivia Night hosted by BAMSL’s Young Lawyers Division, has become a beloved tradition, blending fun with philanthropy to raise funds for the Saint Louis Bar Foundation’s Motion for Kids holiday event aimed at providing a magical holiday experience for children in the Metropolitan St. Louis area, most of whom are currently in foster care. A Night of Fun and Philanthropy The 2024 trivia night will be held at the Parkway United Church of Christ and draws participants from the St. Louis legal community, along with friends, family, and colleagues to compete in a lively atmosphere filled with friendly competition. The trivia night is made possible by sponsors in the legal community who play a vital role, providing financial backing and in-kind donations that help cover costs and enhance the evening’s festivities. Additionally, gracious volunteers and members of the Young Lawyers’ Division donate their time to help organize the event and ensure its success. Adding in a twist each year, the trivia night themes have ranged from the 90’s to “The Eras tour”. This years’ theme is a spooky, legal-adjacent: “Whodunnit? Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.” As the trivia rounds unfold, teams will battle it out to compete for bragging rights (and potential prizes). The questions are crafted to be both challenging and entertaining, ensuring that everyone, from trivia novices to seasoned experts, can contribute. Silent Auction, 50/50 Raffle, & Games Galore One of the highlights of the evening is the silent auction, featuring an array of enticing items donated by generous St. Louis based businesses, community members, and local firms. Ranging from gift certificates to tickets for local sporting events, attendees can bet big on items, knowing that every item raised will directly benefit the Motion for Kids holiday event. The auction not only raises vital funds but also showcases the community’s creativity and generosity. Additionally, there are other opportunities to show support for the Motion for Kids event at the trivia night, including a 50/50 raffle, and mini-games in-between rounds, which are sure to stir up excitement. The proceeds raised from these games will also be given directly to Motion for Kids. Impact on Children’s Lives The funds raised during trivia night play a crucial role in making the annual holiday party a reality. The Motion for Kids event provides a joyful experience for children who often face significant challenges in their young lives. For many of these children, the holiday party is one of the few occasions where they can experience the warmth of community, receive gifts, and enjoy festive activities in a safe and welcoming environment. BAMSL volunteers work tirelessly to create a magical atmosphere, complete with decorations, games, and a visit with Santa Claus. The smiles on the children’s faces during the party serve as a reminder of the positive impact the community can make when it comes together for a common cause. A Community Effort The Young Lawyers’ Division Trivia Night is more than just a fundraising event; it’s a testament to the power of community. Local firms, businesses, individuals, and organizations come together to ensure that children impacted by the criminal justice system feel loved and supported during the holiday season. The success of this event highlights how collective efforts can bring joy and hope to those who need it most. It is the Young Lawyers’ Division goal to not only raise money for the Motion for Kids holiday event, but to encourage a sense of accomplishment and commitment from trivia night attendees for the role they have played in the lives of these children. Trivia Night has become a cherished tradition, one that reinforces the message that together, we can create a brighter future for our most vulnerable children.
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